When it comes to worrying, I will fully admit I invented the concept. Or at least it feels like I did. When things are going wrong, I worry. When things are going right, I worry about how long it will be before something bad happens. It's just who I am and how I'm built. I may see the glass as half full, but then I stress about why it isn't overflowing.
Last night I listened to a sermon by the lead pastor at our new church (thank goodness for podcasts!). Andy Stanley is leading our church through a three-part series about worry, and the timing couldn't be better. At a time when I have nothing to do but lay here and worry, it was nice to hear some great words of wisdom. The sermon completely enlightened me and answered so many of my questions. Andy used Matthew 6:24-34 to illustrate Jesus' teachings about worry, and here's what hit home the most for me: I have done everything I can do to prolong this pregnancy and ensure the best possible health for our baby boy. Now, I need to trust God with the uncertain. With tomorrow. With everything else. I can't see the big picture like He can. I just know that He loves me and will provide for me.
I am getting my weekly progesterone injections.
I have been to every doctor's appointment and ultrasound.
I have gotten the steroid injections to develop the baby's lungs.
I have treated the infections.
I have abided by all bed rest rules and restrictions.
There is nothing more I can do. I have put myself on autopilot... actually, on "Godpilot." Worrying is not going to keep the baby in me for an additional minute. Worrying will not make my contractions cease (actually, stress only makes contractions worse). The sermon made perfect sense and was great therapy. It was also a great precursor to my night. I didn't sleep a wink last night. Dinner did not settle well with me (or the baby), and I spent the entire night sick and stressed. The sickness made me have contractions, which stressed me out. Which made me contract more, which made me even sicker. Which made me even more stressed out. The vicious cycle. I was this close to going back to the hospital this morning, but after talking to my doctor, we agreed that I would stay at home and see if my body could right itself without another trip to Labor and Delivery. I'm still not feeling great, but my condition hasn't worsened. I'm so thankful that I am still at home and not back at the hospital for a fourth time in seven weeks. But it would be lovely to rid myself of this nastiness and feel as good as I have been these past few days.
The baby has been super active. That's always reassuring. But I'm sure I'll figure out a way to worry about that, too. Give it to God, Jackie, give it to God. I'm way out of my league.
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You are a born writer, and I love to read your words, even though they are filled with worry.
You are typing - speaking per se - what you are to do. Now read ALOUD your posts as prayers, own them verbally, voice them into the air, read them to Him, put them in His hands, and LET Him hold you.
I know it is easier said than done, but until you do, you will stay in the cirlce of fret. Love you.
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