Day Twelve: I'm in it Until We Win it

My ultrasound this morning went better than expected. With all of the irritability and contractions this week, I would have sworn the doctors were going to find even less of a cervix than they did on Monday. But exactly the opposite happened - there's more! A whole centimeter more (which is a lot in terms of cervical length)! I was giddy. I also got into a little argument with the perinatologist, but more on that in a minute.

I saw my actual, original OB this morning, Dr. Jo. She has been out for a couple of months on maternity leave, and this morning she came into my room to catch up. We had a great discussion, and I immediately remembered why I love her so much. She is honest and realistic, but has this amazing bedside manner. She could tell you some disappointing news, but somehow, you feel OK about it. But the thing I love most about her is that she is confident in what she wants. No wishy-washy-I'm-not-sure-what-to-do-with-you kind of mentality. she knows what she wants for her patients and has no problem following through on it. And because I'm such an emotional rollercoaster right now, I really need someone like that as my doctor. Dr. Jo said that she wanted to keep me here at least another week (until I hit 33 weeks at least) because of my history. (This is where that whole being OK with disappointing news came into play.) I felt a little deflated when she said that, but I also felt very relieved. I've said so many times before that I would love to go home but would be scared to death at the same time.

So after speaking with Dr. Jo this morning, I went for my ultrasound and got the awesome news about my cervical length. One of the staff perinatologists (I see a different one every time I have an ultrasound) came into the room and shouted, "You're cervix looks phenomenal! Let's get you home!" I smiled but said, "Um, OK, but Dr. Jo said she wanted to keep me here at least another week."

Peri: "Why?"
Me: "I'm not sure. She said she wants to make sure I am able to make it to at least 34 weeks and feels I should be here until 33 weeks or so."
Peri: "Well that doesn't make sense. I mean, you can have monitoring at home." (Picture uptight, patronizing woman here.)
Me: "OK. But I'm not a doctor. I don't know what's best here."
Peri: "Well you do want to go home, don't you?" (The bitch!)
Me: "Of course I'd love to go home! But I'm scared to death! My daughter was born around this time and I don't want that to happen again."
Peri: "Well fine then, we'll just keep you here."

She literally stormed out of the room and slammed the door. The tech who did my ultrasound looked at me, smiled gently, and mouthed, "I'm sorry." I heard this particular perinatologist doesn't have children of her own, and I'm thinking her attitude would be different if she did.

The point is, I am completely incapable of making this decision. I cannot say, "Sure, I'll go home!" If I do, and go into hard labor that could have been stopped had I been here, I will never, ever forgive myself. What if I get home and can't get back to the hospital in time? But what if I stay and everything is OK and what I really end up missing is time with Ava and Stefan before the baby arrives? It's an impossible situation. And everyone wants to know what I want. You know what I want? I want a healthy baby boy. I want to not be in the NICU. I want my house in the hospital and the hospital in my house. But I can't have both. But I will say this: I would rather be here in the hospital and pregnant for Thanksgiving than here in the hospital visiting my baby in the NICU on Christmas. I know doctors can't predict the future, but whatever it takes to have a healthy baby is what I will do.

I was talking to my brother-in-law Bo on the phone this morning and he said that this was more of a mental game now. I agreed. It's like running a marathon. After a certain point (or mile marker), it's not really about physical ability as much as it is about mental and emotional endurance. We will make it. We will win this race.