A Moment-By-Moment Surrender

A recent blog post by my very good friend Tracy was entitled "Let Go and Let God." It's one of those truisms in life that is far more easily spoken than lived. Unfortunately, these words never ring more loudly than when were in the middle of a struggle or a trial that sends us to our knees exclaiming, "Lord, please help me!" God wants nothing more than a personal relationship with us. He wants us to talk to Him, to cry to Him, to trust Him. It's the ultimate sign of good faith when you heartfully tell God that you need Him and that you trust Him and His plan. Ever since my pregnancy test showed that beautiful second pink line, I have vowed to let go and let God. It was so much easier to follow through on that vow early in my pregnancy, when everything was going well and the thought of another premature baby was far from thought. Now that I have reached a critical point, and signs of complications are abundant, I have become what I like to call a "Christian Indian Giver." One minute, I give it all to God, because I know He is in control. Not a minute later, I am filled with worry and stress. Was that a contraction? Why am I feeling pressure there? Was that another contraction? Will I go into labor if I drive myself to my OB appointment or take a shower and shave my legs? How is Stefan holding up? How will I be able to celebrate Thanksgiving or Ava's second birthday? Does my sister resent me for asking so much of her? What if after all of this - the drugs, the injections, the bed rest, the ultrasounds, the hospitals - it's still not enough? Then I remember that I gave it to God. And I took it back.

Stefan and I had another OB and ultrasound appointment this afternoon. The doctors say they are "pleased" with how things look now, even though things aren't as good as they were last week, right before I was discharged from the hospital. If the doctors are happy, why don't I feel better? My perinatologist told me today that I have the toughest job of all: to relax and try not to worry. That really is a tall order for me, who has stressed over everything since learning the meaning of the word.

So how do I do it? How do I not stress? The answer is to let go and let God... and to not take it back. The only way I'm going to be successful is to surrender every moment - every 60 seconds - if that's what it takes. Letting go and letting God is not a one-time event. It's an ongoing, moment-by-moment surrender. If I can spend every waking moment worrying, then I can certainly try to spend it talking to God. I think He'd like that.