New Realities

I am back in the hospital and have been here since late Sunday night. I was feeling this odd pressure and an overall sense of something's-not-right-here, so Stefan brought me back to the hospital, and lo and behold, the midwife said I was beginning to dilate! They were able to put the contractions at bay with a triple shot of Terbutaline, but there is nothing that can be done to make them go away completely. There are a few more "big guns" they can use to help ease contractions, but overall, nothing can be done to stop true labor. The doctors told me that if the baby really wants to come, he'll come, and there must be a reason. Sometimes babies are simply better out than in, although I am hoping for the latter.

Of course, the doctors are hopeful, but several new realities have replaced our original hopes and dreams for this pregnancy. Our original hope of carrying to full term has been replaced with the new reality that we just have to take it day by day from now on. No one knows how much longer I will be able to go before delivering, but we know that every additional day in the womb is a tremendous gift. I still don't know if I'll be in the hospital for the duration of my pregnancy or just until the doctors feel I am stable enough to go back home. As much as I loathe being here, a part of me feels more comfortable being here. We live 40 minutes from the hospital (and that's if we miss rush hour), and my biggest fear is not being able to get here in time should real labor set in hard and fast (as it did with Ava). But I find that I sleep better here, and maybe it's because I know if something goes wrong, I'm already here. The food, however, is not good.

Because my digestive system is still a wreck, even after a week+ of being off of antibiotics, I saw a GI specialist yesterday. (I didn't even know GI specialists existed, and quite frankly, who would want to specialize in that?) As it turns out, I most likely have another infection. This time however, the infection is a result of the antibiotics. Because antibiotics kill ALL bacteria in your body - even good bacteria - your body becomes vulnerable to another infection because nothing is present to kill it. So I am back on antibiotics, this time for a longer duration and a stronger dose. I am not looking forward to the havoc these drugs may cause on my body, but again, if it might help the baby stay in a little longer, bring it on. I am eating yogurt with every meal to help aid the production of "good bacteria" in my body.

I have been crying a lot, mostly because it is one of the best stress relievers for me. When Ava was in the NICU, I cried every night at dinnertime like clockwork. It was as if I was letting out all the stress of the day. I am trying not to worry about what could happen, but that doesn't make it any less scary. Stefan has been my rock, as always, and I am so thankful I have him.

Ava is still too young to understand what is going on, thank goodness. She is saying her entire alphabet now, although we lead her for every letter; she simply repeats after us. She seems to get caught up on the letter F, though, as she pronounces it as a P. But we're getting there. It seems as if her vocabulary increases daily, and I must admit, I love listening to her try to pronounce words. Right now, the word sheep is "peesh." Totally backwards, but totally adorable. She turned 23 months on Sunday the 9th - the countdown to 2 has officially begun! I look forward to getting my alone time back with her. Coloring.
Playing. Running around. Reading stories. I miss it all, but know it is for the best of reasons.