The Crystal Ball

34 weeks and 6 days.

Being on bed rest these past eight weeks has given me plenty of time to think. This has been a good thing, and this has been a not-so-good thing. I've thought a lot about life, and how simple it truly is. My perspective on what's important has changed dramatically, and my priorities have shifted seismically. I feel I will exit this stage a stronger, more balanced person, which could never be a bad thing. I'm still on a modified form of bed rest, so we're not completely out of the woods just yet. But as we enter "the safe zone," a lot of the same questions I've agonized over these past 50+ days still linger. I can't help but think that if we had known all this time that I would make it to at least 35 weeks, would I have stressed less and enjoyed more? Probably. But even though I have made it this far, I am still fixated on a date. When? When will this baby arrive? When will I go into labor? When, when, when? And then I thought about whether I would really, truly, want to know the answer.

God is the only one who knows. It's His plan, after all. And as a Christian I know His plan is perfect and good. He has that magical crystal ball that I have so desperately wanted to see. I could look into this crystal ball and see everything so clearly, so perfectly. I would see God's roadmap for my life - and everyone else's - and understand how a billion different roads all going in different directions could somehow merge in the very end to create one, seamless pathway to the Promised Land. I would know everything. I would finally know the answer to my "when."

Suppose God allowed me to glimpse into His crystal ball. In an instant I would be able to have all of my questions answered. But do I really want that? I can honestly say no, I wouldn't. I don't want to know when I am going to die, who my children will marry, what I will make of the rest of my life. Because not only would that turn my life into a giant countdown clock, but it would also take away the journey. There's a reason why God doesn't allow us to look into His crystal ball. He knows we're better off without it. He knows we're better off letting Him stay at the controls. I am simply along for the ride, and I will try to take the lessons He's taught me and turn them into something that will bring Him glory - something I probably wouldn't do if I had access to that crystal ball.

I still wonder when. But after thinking about it for a long time, I know I'm better off not knowing anything.